Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Family of balloons

A few years ago, while in Australia, I got a tattoo of a cluster of balloons. One for my dad, one for my mom, one for my sister. My family. My home. My heart.

When my mom died I really felt that I needed a tattoo. For memory, for pain, for grief, for fear. for love.
So I got my mom's handwriting attached to my family of balloons, saying what she always said, what she always wrote to us, what she always made sure we knew.

This is right after the tape was taken off. It's less painful than it looks.

I don't want to forget her. I don't want anyone to forget her. Her absence is palpable.                         


Monday, March 2, 2015

Up nights

Leggings as pants have been a thing for a while. But I have not been part of it because it was weird...

feb 2015

I also have a goal to be a bit more badass in my look.

top: Smart Set
Leggings & Cardi: Ricki's
boots: Jessica Simpson

I think I might be a convert but only if they are classy / badassy leggings.


Thursday, February 26, 2015

Why not?

A jean jacket makes me feel cool and a little more casual than usual.

3 Dec 2014

I remember having a jean jacket when I was a kid. It had cactus appliqu├ęs all over it and matched a pair of jeans. I was pretty stylish.

jean jacket: Old Navy
top: Smart Set
skirt: Forever 21
tights: We Love Colours
boots: Steve Madden


Monday, February 23, 2015

Suit up

Sometime back in October the Gentleman Caller went to a fancy charity event.

Oct 2014

The food was great and the evening was a success.

cardi: my mom's
dress: Ricki's
tights: We Love Colours
shoes: Fly London


Wednesday, December 31, 2014

A last note

My mom wanted to write notes to my sister and I. To say goodbye, to give advice, to say just one last time that she loved us. She never had time. By the time she realized that hope was gone so was her energy. She was just too sick.

I received an email from her on Christmas day. Part of our Christmas gifts every year are a Gift of Hope from Plan Canada. Something that will help a family given in our name.
I wasn't expecting it because we weren't doing gifts this year. It was beautiful. It was heartbreaking. It was her last note to me. I have no idea when she might have organized this. Directly after Christmas last year? I imagine so, months before she got sick.

Dearest darling daughter

I know you will be happy to keep those crazy mosquitoes away & and give the kids a chance at a longer and happier life. So, we're donating some nets. Love you always.

Love forever, Mom and Dad
You've just received a Gift of Hope – the gift of 12 bed nets.

Oh boy... here come the tears...

I hope Mom and Bailey are playing together somewhere

So today is New Year's Eve. I'm torn, like I seem to be all the time. I want to put 2014 behind me and let go of all the fear and pain. But when that clock ticks over it will be 2015 and I'll be in an entirely different year than my mom will ever be. And that breaks my heart all over again. I think it will never stop breaking.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

A Christmas miss

It's hard to be peaceful and joyful in this season where you're supposed to feel that way.
This was not Christmas. This was a day to cry and cry and cry. A day to feel that all is lost and lonely. A day to miss my mom with such a violent longing.

On Christmas Eve night I dreamt that I was in a very familiar place but couldn't find my way. I was lost when I shouldn't have been. And every step I took, the ground was precarious and I was afraid to move forward or backward.

I'm stupidly almost offended by all the Christmas carols that are playing. Angry that people are happy and celebrating. Saddened by all the Christmas greetings that people are sending out. I hope Santa was good to you... How dare you be happy. How dare you act like everything is fine and wonderful and that there is something to be thankful for. This was not Christmas. No stockings. No presents. No singing. No lights. No tree. But people who love us? Who loved mom? Yes, we have those.

We are so lucky to have family and friends and neighbours who took care of us during this difficult season. Who made sure we weren't alone. Nothing looked like Christmas but it was very nice all the same. Except that she's not here. Except that she'll never be here...



Friday, December 12, 2014

One month

One month one month one month. 

I hear this screaming in my head building and building. One month. It feels like years. It feels like no time at all. It's a quarter of the time that mom had. 

My auntie asked what helped when I was feeling low in the past. Talking to my mom, of course. It's the only thing that ever was. 

There's a hole in my heart and it's empty and I am lost.