I'm restless. I'm not sure if it's just because it's spring (slowly edging towards summer) and I always get a little this way. Or maybe it's just that I have no plans.
All my life I've known what comes next. You go to school, then directly to university. As I was finishing university I had my eye on the prize. I was working towards moving to England for two years. I was focused on making money and saving money and working out who I would be and how I might make friends. For those two years I grew a heart, I developed a sense of adventure, finally knowing that I belonged many places, knowing that I had a story and deserved to play a starring role in it.
Coming home from England was rough because I really didn't want to be in Canada. I wanted to be the person I was, doing fun things, going interesting places with crazy friends. It was certainly an adjustment to rebuild a life and that took all my energy.
Then I met the Gentleman Caller and LOVE! SWOON! All my time was spent cuddling, drinking wine and eating cheese! Also, when we started dating it was understood that if he wanted to date me, we were going to Australia. So that was the goal. That was the direction.
Now that I'm back from travel, with no long term travel on the horizon, a job that is fine but not thrilling, an apartment that is cozy and lovely... Now what do I do? What is there to look forward to? In which direction do I place my feet? What am I working toward? Is this just normal life? You get up, go to work, get paid a marginally decent wage, feel exhausted, go to the gym, make dinner and go to bed? That's it?
I'm having a hard time seeing the small adventures when there aren't any big ones. It seems like a lot of my friends are looking for houses at the moment. So I actually spent a Saturday evening looking for houses that we could buy. I don't even want to buy a house! I'm no where near ready financially or emotionally. I love my little apartment and I never thought that I would end up living in this city. I'd like to buy in Spain! Or New Zealand! Or Vietnam! Or an English coastal village!
Oh boy. That's what lost looks like.