Expectations you could never live up to

Ugh. Expectations are the worst. They cause me the most pain. I've learned to try to not get too excited about things. Because getting excited makes me hope for things and then when everything goes to hell, I feel crushed. I used to have a friend who would always make plans, I would get really excited and then she would ultimately flake out at the last minute. So I learned that if I wasn't excited about anything, I wouldn't be disappointed by anything.
But I love love love getting excited about things. Sometimes the anticipation is the very best part. Christmas Eve is the best bit of the holiday season. Friday is the best night because there is the whole weekend left to enjoy. Part of what I love about myself is that I love things, I'm excited by things, I find the world interesting most days, when I'm my best. I don't want to lose that because I'm afraid of being disappointed. I'm trying to get excited but not disappointed.

Today at 10:08am I had a job. Today at 9:14pm I didn't. In those few hours I got really excited even though the job was vague, strange, undefined and confusing. Maybe just because it's been 2 months of applying and applying and applying and this was some hope. Something to do. Some reason to get up in the morning other than to go for a walk and do the dishes. Especially now that the Gentleman Caller is out of the city. He has this awful job selling internet door to door and is subject to old ladies pooing themselves, old men trying beating him with a cane and dogs with bared teeth attacking him. And he's away all week. Maybe two. Ugh.


geetabix said…
It does seem like the ability to get excited and the tendency to feel disappointment are two sides of the same coin. That's sucky about the job. My fingers are crossed that you find something soon. Any crafting happening?
Cara said…
Oh no! How horrible! As a former employer told me every time I didn't get a job I'd applied for: "Consider it a bullet dodged". I don't quite understand the whole job market. I too have been offered a job, and then had it pulled out from under me before I started. I've also interviewed for jobs that didn't exist. It's hard, but you'll find something!
Laura Go said…
oh noes. I hope that everything gets much better SOON. But I really admire your positive spirit, Danielle. You are an inspiration. Keeping my fingers crossed for you and GC, and I'm definitely sending good vibes your way.

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